It's taken me awhile but I'm finally ready to write this post. I've put it off for a number of reasons. The main one is that I don't want to discourage any new mom who wants to breastfeed. I want to start off by saying that what I went through isn't the norm and breastfeeding will most likely work out for you. I've included some resources at the bottom of this post if you're having trouble and I sincerely wish you the best no matter what choice you make in how to feed your baby.
That being said,
I need to talk about the complete hell I went through. I didn't come to the decision to formula feed my child easily or quickly. It came with a lot of guilt and worry. I felt so alone about my decision to quit breastfeeding.
So much failure. I felt like I needed to write this post for any other new mom who may be having her joy stolen from her by (of all people) other moms who think they know her and her baby better than she does. For that mom I'm here to say YOU know your baby best. Don't let those first happy days with your newborn be turned into torture because you are being told there is only one way to feed.
From the time I found out I was pregnant, I was sure I would breastfeed. I read all articles, loved all sweet pictures of babies calmly nursing from their mamas in the doctor's office. All of the classes and pamphlets gave me the same message:
Good mothers breastfeed.
The message I gleaned was that as long as you tried hard enough, pumped enough, or listened to your lactation consultant well enough, you could be a great breastfeeder. Anyone who said they couldn't do it just didn't try hard enough, wasn't committed enough, or wasn't educated well enough.
Not. True.
I breastfed Brian within minutes of his birth. We practiced skin to skin contact. It hurt a little at first, but I figured that was to be expected. Then Brian went to the nursery to get his bath while I (and all of our stuff) was moved from L&D to mother and baby.
Once there we breastfed some more. I told the nurses it still hurt and they checked our latch. I was assured I was doing everything right. And so started the first night. Brian cried every hour and I desperately tried to feed him. I had just given birth and now I was up for most of the next 24 hours because Brian was miserable. And so was I. I thought I was just being a wimp of a new mom and powered through. I saw 2 midwives and 2 lactation consultants. They all said I was doing everything right. They said I must have not had him latched on well at first and that's why my breasts were now cracked and bruised. In my sleep-deprived stupor I just took this as truth.
Sometime during the second night I was ready to lose it. Brian was screaming and none of us were getting any sleep. An older nurse came in and patted my back and asked if she could try to calm him for a minute. She looked in his mouth and said something I don't think anyone else had bothered to check. "I think he might be a little tongue tied", she said. Our pediatrician stopped by a little later and agreed that the surgeon should take a look. A few hours later Brian's tongue was clipped and moving freely past his lips.
But the damage to my breasts was done. And they wouldn't get a chance to heal because I had to keep letting him latch on to them every couple of hours. I was crying every time I had to nurse. My precious baby's spit up was pink because of the blood he was consuming along with my milk.
Did I mention the spit up? There was a lot of it. Brian was diagnosed with GERD which was only made worse by the fact that he had to be horizontal to nurse. After eating he had to sit up for 30 minutes. So not only was I up every couple of hours at night, I was saying up at least 30 minutes after every feeding to deal with spit up and keeping Brian sitting up until his food could settle.
Then came the hives.
Postpartum hives can either be caused by hormonal changes or stress. I think mine was a little of both (It wasn't an allergic reaction- I didn't change any of the products I was using). I was limited as to what I could take for them because antihistamines can dry up your milk.
The doctor told me I could take prednisone to get rid of the hives, but if I stayed stressed they would probably be back.
That was my last straw. I was done. The first few weeks of my sweet baby's life had a dark cloud over them because I was in pain and so exhausted that I didn't even have the energy to play with him.
The day I decided to wean my baby off the breast and start using formula it felt like the clouds parted and the sun was finally shining on us. Really. It was that dramatic (even if saying so is a bit cliché).
I finally got more than a couple hours of sleep. My breasts weren't bleeding so bad the milk pads stuck to them.
I finally had the energy to play with my baby.
Why did I tell you this long depressing story? Not to make you bored (although that probably happened). I wrote this because I think no mom should ever have to feel all the guilt and alienation that I did.
There ARE some valid reasons not to breastfeed. Formula isn't poison. And your baby won't be unintelligent just because they drank some formula. Formula feeding does not equal bad parenting.
I'm not sure how it got started, but breastfeeding activism has gone past just supporting breastfeeding. It sometimes borders of attack of formula feeders. Guilt shouldn't be part of it.
Just look around an average "Mommy" forum or talk to the other Moms on your facebook page. Any talk of formula feeding is often misconstrued as anti-breastfeeding. This post wasn't meant to be that at all. I want any mom who is going through what I went through to know they are not alone. There aren't a lot of great resources out there (ones not paid for by formula companies) but there are a few. If you've come to the decision that formula feeding is the best decision for you and your baby, I suggest starting with
this interview of Suzanne, the "
Fearless Formula Feeder". She discusses why her site isn't actually an anti-breastfeeding tirade (even if many who haven't actually read it may think so). Her site also has some awesome links and resources for formula feeders.
I don't want to leave struggling breastfeeding mamas out. If you are struggling-try clicking around the
LaLecheLeague and
KellyMom websites. I hope you are able to overcome your breastfeeding woes.
I wish all mamas the best no matter what feeding method you choose. And if after making your decision you get an insensitive email or facebook message (or 2 or 3 as I did), shrug them off and remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said:
Jesus and I love you anyways.
Do you have a baby feeding story or opinion? Just want to say hi? What are you waiting for? Leave me a comment! Or head over to my
Facebook page and leave one there.
